* All right!
* Hey!
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
JOY: Eddie!
That's it. I can't take it anymore.
Hey, look, don't give me that crap.
You think it's easy for me?
All right, catch me up. What are we fighting about?
I just smashed my toe on that stupid wood pile of yours.
Well, you got big feet like your father.
Take it up with him.
Eddie, let me bottom-line this for you.
The wood, it's gone!
Are you crazy? I need that wood.
If something wood-related goes wrong around here,
I need a wide variety of lumber at the ready.
How about if you ever actually need a piece of wood,
you just go out and buy it?
Do you have any idea how long it takes to buy a piece of wood?
No, Eddie. How long... Three hours, okay?
That includes drive time, parking, and wood selection.
And then you have to add another hour to go by the pet emporium next door.
Why do you need to do that?
I defy you to walk by that puppy tank
and not want to dive in head first.
Why are we even debating this?
You have been piling up wood in the garage for the past 20 years,
and you have done nothing with it.
Let's face it, you're not a wood guy.
How dare you?
You know that as a boy I built that cabin with my father.
Oh, great. We're gonna hear about the cabin again.
Oh, I'm sorry to bore you with the defining moment of my childhood,
but I built that wood cabin with my father
with our bare hands.
And if my Uncle Gus hadn't played it fast and loose with the space heater,
we'd be there right now.
Okay, so besides the famous cabin,
you've done nothing, huh?
How many projects were you gonna start over the years?
The pantry shelf, the shoe rack,
the new screen door for the back.
I did measure for that.
That's gonna be tricky.
Eddie, build something with your wood, build anything.
Oh, I'll build something.
Not in the next 20 years. Tomorrow.
I'm gonna be at work all day.
Build something by the time I get home,
or I'm having it hauled off on Monday.
Now, that, my friend,
sounds like a wood ultimatum.
Oh, a wood ultimatum.
I like it.
That's the first creative thing you've ever done with wood.
* Hey, hey, hey!
* Ow!
* Oh, oh, yeah!
Okay, I'm going.
Wow.
Yeah, it's real.
A whole lot of sexy going on.
You're wearing my shorts. Nice.
That's good.
Enjoy yourself. But I assure you,
when you return to see what I have built,
your laughter will be replaced
by girlish squeals of delight.
I doubt that.
What are you building, anyway?
Well, I'll give you one hint.
It may or it may not rhyme with jafuzzi.
All right, drive safe. Hands at 10:00 and 2:00.
You know, I actually don't have to hit the road quite yet.
I might have a few minutes to watch a master craftsman at work.
Oh. Fine by me.
(WHIRRING)
Timber!
Look at that.
You turned one piece of crap into two.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, hey, since this might be the last time I see you with thumbs,
give me one of these.
Don't worry about me.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm in my element.
Like a duck on a pond.
Yeah, for me there's nothing like the feel
of soft, buttery wood.
(LAUGHS)
That's gonna need a special Band-Aid.
Oh, yeah!
(SAW WHIRRING)
(SAW JAMMING)
Hey, neighbor.
What do you want, Woodcock?
Nothing. Just thought I'd pop over, do my neighbor thing.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
I didn't know you were a Tejano guy.
Uh, this painting crew left this radio behind
with the dial painted stuck.
I don't speak the language, but I'm 98% sure
that that song is about infidelity.
Well, what you building?
I don't know what the hell I'm building, okay?
What's with all the questions?
Who sent you here?
Nobody. Jeez, I'm sorry.
I heard the music. I thought you were grilling.
I'm gonna go.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second, Woodcock.
Listen, you're a young strapping fellow from Minnesota.
I bet that you've raised a barn
or built a butter churn or something.
I think you're confusing people from Minnesota with the Amish.
All right, look, Joy gave me a wood ultimatum,
and if I don't build something by today,
all my wood goes.
And I gotta be honest with you.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
What do you mean?
I thought you build that cabin with your dad with your bare hands.
Well, I did, I did.
But the more I think about it,
the only thing my dad let me do
was hold his beer and make sure that no bees got in it.
All right, well, this may be a stupid question,
but if you can't build anything and Joy wants all the wood gone,
why don't you just get rid of it?
You're correct. That is a stupid question.
Because if I get rid of my wood,
that means she had been right for 20 years,
and that can't be.
I'm sorry. I wish I could help you,
but I don't know any more about wood than you.
Yeah, but look, we're two smart guys.
I'm sure if we put our heads together,
we can build something great.
Really? Yes. You're a man.
And when one man asks another man
to assist him in a home improvement project,
there can only be one answer, "Hell, yes!"
Now sock up, pick up a tool,
and start banging on stuff. All right.
You know what? You're right. You're right. I'm in. I'm in.
That's what we're talking about. Yeah, I'm talking about that.
Do you feel good? Yeah, I feel good, you know.
Can we do this? We can do it.
Because we're men. Are we men? We are men!
You're damn right we're men. Yeah, we are!
Now let's take off our shirts!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, shirts back on.
Shirts back on!
That was really uncomfortable.
Yeah. That one's on me.
Easy.
Easy! I'm seeing nail.
You missed the shelf.
Well, hold it straight!
I am holding it straight.
You're nailing cock-eyed.
Do you want to hammer again, huh?
You know I can't. My thumbs are gigantic targets.
Okay. Hold it. You split the wood.
Well, that was our last long nail.
Okay, I'll just put some wood putty on it.
How we doing time-wise?
It's 6:00.
Oh, God. Okay, Joy's gonna be home in one hour.
Let's just get her on her feet
and we'll start painting.
All right. All right, lift it up.
Okay.
Easy.
Okay.
All right, put the level on it.
You don't need the level. It's... Just get the level.
Where's the bubble?
There's no bubble.
Eddie, there's no bubble because it's not level.
Okay, look. Do me a favor. Lose the attitude and help me.
Okay? We just have to tweak it a little.
Just... Okay, come this way. Easy. Okay, careful.
All right. I'm feeling a little play in it. She's fighting me.
She's fighting me. Foot it.
Put your foot on it. All right, I'm doing it.
Foot it! Foot it! I got it. I'm footing it.
There's the bubble.
Come on. Eddie, I'm starting to hear...
Come on, little buddy. I'm hearing some cracking.
I'll slap some putty on it.
Okay. Well, you know what?
Here. Let's just... Let's just lay it down, okay?
We'll lay it down, and...
Yeah, it'll be a nice sandbox for children.
It's fun.
Seems kind of dangerous with all those nails sticking out.
Okay, then it'll be a planter.
How about that, huh? We'll put some dirt in it
and some beautiful plants
and it'll be a delightful planter.
I'm gonna grow tomatoes.
Okay. It's okay. It's okay.
It's a... It's a...
Pile of wood again, Eddie.
I'll putty it.
Hey, you two.
I brought some lemonade.
So how's it going over here?
My big carpenter man
working with wood.
Yeah, put him on a roll of Brawny towels.
He's a dead ringer.
What's the matter, Eddie, not having fun?
No, next-door girl, I am not.
Well, that's 'cause you haven't started yet.
It's still just a big pile.
Honey, honey. Careful, careful.
Well, let me know if I can help.
I love woodworking. You do?
Oh, yeah. I mean, I used to.
Every summer I did woodshop at Camp Honeybell.
* Ring the bell, bell, bell
* We are Camp Honeybell, we are bus... *
Okay, that's lovely.
That's lovely, darling.
Uh, look...
Tell me everything you know about wood.
Hello, Eddie.
Madam.
From the looks of it out there,
there actually seems to have been some woodworking today.
That's right.
Tool were used, boards were cut,
the line between man and wood was blurred.
I promised you a project made of wood,
and you doubted me.
But doubt me no more.
Boom! Make some room!
What is that?
It's a pig.
I can see that it's a pig.
What exactly does one do with this?
Well, it's a...
There's obviously the cutting board aspect of the pig.
Uh, it could be a fancy cheese tray
or a decorative knickknack,
or placed in the hands of a creative child,
a passport to adventure.
Perhaps you could start assembling a cheese tray
while you formulate your apology.
Let me just get this straight.
For the past 20 years,
you have been pulling over on highways,
you have been sneaking into our neighbors' garbage cans,
you have been trespassing on construction sites
all to gather up wood,
which has been piling up in our home,
endangering the well-being of our family,
all so that one day
you could build a pig.
It makes me smile.
Eddie, we're getting rid of the wood.
(JINGLE PLAYING)
Keep it together.
Who the hell are you?
Hi. I'm Greg.
Your wife hired me to fix this door, and do some stuff around the house.
That's good.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm comfortable with who I am as a man.
I was 6'8" by the 7th grade.
I could ride roller coasters when I was 3.
I'm all man.
100% hombre!
Okay.
What do you got there, a chuckless drill?
What? Uh, cordless?
Three-quarter bit? Yeah, what's your torque on that, 550?
750? Upside down capable?
You're saying words, but they don't mean anything.
Oh, really?
Well, check this out.
What do you think of this craftsmanship, huh?
What is that?
It's a passport to adventure.
Hey, would you hand me that dovetail jig?
Um...
It's right there next to the biscuit joiner.
I don't know what that is either, okay?
I don't know what any of this is.
They took my wood pile!
Are you happy, Greg?
Hey, remind me to get some more sugar.
Why don't you just get Greg to get it?
Or maybe he can chop down some sugarcane
and squeeze it out with his dovetail jig.
Eddie, will you stop it?
I hired a guy to fix a few things.
It's no reflection on you.
I know. Couldn't have fixed them anyway.
Come on, you haven't been yourself all week.
Ever since we got rid of that wood pile.
I don't know what you mean.
What do you want me to say?
I love the freaking pig.
He's a beautiful, well-crafted piece of wood.
You're right. He is all those things,
and I didn't even make him. The girl next door did.
What? That's right.
So get him out of here and bring it back to the girl.
I'm no longer deluded about who I am.
I'm just an underpaid high school teacher
who will eventually die and be buried in a coffin
I did not make.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, Joy.
Get your evil pig out of my house.
Why would I want this delightful cutting board
that your husband made for you?
It's driving Eddie insane, and he told me you made it.
Oh. He said to keep that secret.
He scared me pretty good,
and he's, like, the biggest person I've ever seen.
Anyway, you should take it.
Okay. I'll just stick the little guy in here then.
We have a little storage issue
since the rest of our stuff came.
So you really love to kayak, huh?
It's Jeff's. It's his dream
to kayak down every Class 4 rapid in North America.
Wow. How many has he done so far?
None.
In fact, since I've known him, I don't think he's been in it.
Well, except the one time I got up in the middle of the night
to grab a glass of water and he was sitting in it nude.
Even though we saw each other,
we never acknowledged it.
This may be none of my business,
but seeing as you need the room and he doesn't use it,
why don't you just make him get rid of it?
I don't know.
I know Jeff will never kayak,
but he loves that thing.
In his mind, he's outdoor kayak guy.
You take that away, it's like ripping away
part of the man he wants to be.
Well, that ain't right.
What you doing?
Just staring at the stain where my wood used to be.
You know, if you listen really closely,
you can hear the humming of a termite infestation.
They're all around us.
Guess what I found in Terry and Carla's trash can.
Now, why would you give me that?
What is that, some kind of sick joke?
No. I just realized how much the wood pile meant to you,
and I thought you might want to start it again.
Nah, give it to the girl.
She's the future.
Eddie, listen to me.
I saw you in that tool belt,
and I saw a man who knows how to work with wood.
The problem wasn't you. The problem was
you didn't have the proper tools.
Oh, boy.
The guy at the store said you could cut through just about anything with this.
Oh, and I will.
Oh, it's... This is amazing.
You know, I did kind of feel a little held back by my equipment.
You were.
You need your wood.
Honestly, Eddie, I miss the man you were
when you had your wood pile.
Come here.
I don't know what to say. Thank you.
Can't wait to show this to Greg.
(SAW WHIRRING)
That's what I'm talking about.
Ah, she doesn't ride it anyway.